This post is more for me and will probably offend you, if I say what needs to be said. Nevertheless, I need to hear it and keep hearing it until I get it.
God is not a genie in a bottle. He doesn’t grant three wishes and He certainly isn’t going to do what we tell Him to do just because we wished for it. God is full of infinitesimal wisdom. He understands better what the small decisions we make will do to us in our future than we can even imagine. More than that, we are complete immature idiots when it comes to running our own lives. It’s that simple.
I have been praying for my kids constantly for the last umpteen years and I am wondering where they are all going. I expected my daughter to have met a gentleman, or at least have some better friends than she does and my son to be playing tennis for at least some college, even a DIII. My expectations, however, have been cast into the trashcan and thrown into the abyss at the dump. My expectations, my prayers, all that I had been hoping for my children have been neatly ignored. I don’t mind telling you that I am more than a little hurt.
Forget the fact that my children are old enough to make their own decisions. Forget the fact that just because I wanted it, doesn’t make it the right thing for them at this time. Forget the fact that I have no way of knowing what is going to happen in the next five minutes much less the next ten years. I wanted what I wanted and I feel like having a childish temper tantrum because I haven’t received it yet.
There. I said it. I’m reading over that last sentence again. Wow, I’m ashamed. But, those are my honest feelings. I have been one of those controlling mothers, incognito. You know what I mean? God knows, I’m sure. I’ve been using my prayer time to tell God what He needs to do with my children’s lives. Meanwhile, my children see me as the loving mother who is praying for God’s wisdom and guidance. (Don’t get me wrong, I have been, but my focus has really been on results in their lives not faith in mine).
This last go around was my last straw. I thought at the very least God would let me see my son win one more time before he hung it up. He had already made his decision to go to school and focus on helping others. He just wanted to play one last time, but that was joke. He played one match when it hit him in the face, “You can play tennis, but you can’t compete. You aren’t trained to handle the pressure”. And just like that, it was over.
I’m left sitting here thinking, really? I can’t even get one win from him? Why not, God? My answer was the brutal one in the second paragraph. Because I’m a selfish, controlling, ignorant person who doesn’t respect the ways of God. I only want what I can get out of God and then hang the rest. If I can’t have the respected family life, career, and grown up children, then I can’t be seen in public.
Sounds like I’ve got a long way to go, huh? Especially if you read some of my other posts and see that this message has been getting to me for a long time but it just hasn’t stuck. Not in my heart. That is what this blog is for. It helps me look back at all the things I have learned and I can see what I have been able to live on and what I am really still having to learn. God is patient with us (thank you God) and we need Him to be with us every step because when it finally hits our hearts how trustworthy and faithful He truly is, then we may have a glimpse into the foresight that Paul had during his worst years and how he was able to remain so content through it all.
Now. I’ve written all of this to make sure my perspective is put in a place where it cannot change and I can’t deny that I’ve admitted all these ridiculous things. Do any of these words resonate in you? It’s okay if you can’t admit it yet. It’s taken me a couple of years and even so, I am standing on the edge of running away in denial. Once I can admit this freely, though, I know that my next step is to rest my heart in God’s Word. Turn off the expectations of things that don’t bring Him glory (not really, not even if I try to make them glorify Him, they will really only point back to what I was proud of) and turn on my faith and learn to be happy in Him alone.