Unworthy

The last few days, my spirit has taken a turn. I have been working on practicing what I preach and really focusing on God and His power in my life. I am finding that the obstacles in my way are regenerating and it’s a constant battle to stay focused. I mean, even finding quiet time is a challenge (to the point where I have to go to work later than my husband just to get some). But, it’s more than that, because when I do get my quiet time and I start to really spend some time in prayer, my spirit gets weak. I focus on who God really is and I start to become overwhelmed. Let me show you…

On a clear night, when you can see all the stars, go outside and look up. Picture yourself standing there in your yard in contrast to the billions of stars in the sky. Do you see how small you are? Now imagine all the billions of stars in the sky and remember how big they are. While taking all of this in, remember, God created it all. It’s all His and He is bigger than all of us put together. That’s incredible, isn’t it?

Here’s where I get weak in the knees, when I’m talking with Him and I feel His presence coming close. How can Someone so powerful be interested in me? I am so unworthy and His presence is so holy. I can clearly see how Satan fools us because it’s simply easier to be bad, unholy or just ignore God. It’s not my pride that’s in the way, it’s my cowardice and so I hide behind a facade of pride (which in God’s eyes is still pride).

It’s not easy being intimate with God. It’s not easy knowing that you have betrayed the one and only Being who has never lied to you and has only worked to make you the best person you can be. That’s a true statement. Think of it, as much as your mother or your father loves you, they have lied to you about something (probably thinking they were protecting you). God doesn’t do things that He hates because He has the best intentions. He gives us everything up front (as far as we can understand) and expects us to deal with the truth. He is there supporting us while we go through good and bad times (it doesn’t matter). More than that, He forgives us every time we ask. There is no limit. I am amazed when I think of it this way and I understand even more deeply how unworthy I am.

John described his reaction when he encountered Jesus in Revelation: And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead. But He laid His hand on my saying to me, ‘Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last’. 

That’s how I feel like I might be if I allow myself to seek God’s presence for too long. I don’t feel strong enough to handle it. Or perhaps, I am too afraid to face such goodness knowing my own sin? And yet, He still forgave me.

There are no words I can use to describe my desperate need to be better, to please Him in every way. There are no actions I can take that will ever be good enough to satisfy Him. He is a constant perfection in everything,never changing. I must be constantly looking to Him as my guide and never ceasing to embrace all that He is. I will not be distracted when I do this, at least not as easily, but more than that, I will inch closer to the intimacy I desire with Him. I’m still unworthy but He isn’t going anywhere. Thank you God.

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