Long Way To Go

You know when you have an “epiphany”? When you actually understand what’s been hidden from you for a very long time? I’ve been getting small ones for the last year, but have a complete block when it comes to explaining them. My brain just freezes and I have a difficult time putting two words together to make sense all while my mind can picture what I’m trying to say. It’s almost comical.

I read what I write and frankly, it sounds like I’m condemning people for being human. Sorry about that, because I certainly don’t feel any condemnation. What I actually feel is that I am having to learn all these lessons and then try to tell about them in hopes that maybe someone out there can relate. I do get angry sometimes when I see people who I always thought were “above it all” act like everyone else. That’s where my fault lies. I’m looking for a role model. What I failed to realize is that I already have one and that should be sufficient. Jesus lived the life that we all look up to, but I think because I can’t see him in the news or on my FB newsfeed, He isn’t a role model in modern times. How ludicrous.

While we are called to live “higher” lives, we all have the same flaws inside. We gravitate towards fulfilling our flesh rather than living in the Spirit. That’s where our hearts come in. They are the most important part of this whole challenge because if our hearts are swayed in the least bit towards anything other than God’s righteousness and holiness, then we are in danger. That sounds daunting doesn’t it? For a while, I thought so myself until I really started paying attention to where my heart was focused. I made quite a few disturbing discoveries about myself.

I found that I am an attention seeker. I want recognition for whatever I do that’s good. I want people to talk about me about how good a person I am. I want to look good on the outside because I know that’s what people see first. I want my kids to be perfect because it reflects what a great mom I am. I could go on and on, but I’m starting to get a little nauseous so I’d better stop there. Pretty shallow, huh?

I discovered all of this because the opposite of everything I just mentioned was happening, except the one about people talking about me. People weren’t talking about me at all (that’s actually a good thing I believe). I had to see what was happening in order to recognize my heart condition. I was not seeking the kingdom of God first. I was not loving the Lord my God with all my heart and soul and mind. I was trying to cash in on the magic genie in a bottle while making it look like I was devoted to the most awesome and holy Spirit of Love. Just makes me realize how I don’t deserve Him all the more.

This morning Jesus gave me a few words to meditate on for the day and I thought I might share them because they are comforting and eye opening all together. John 3:18-21 “He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.”

I’m comforted because this is helping to guide me to continue to strive for the truth because it assures me that I will come to the light. My deeds will clearly be seen (good or bad) but the only one I care about is God. He will see all my deeds and my ambition is for Him to approve because my heart is focused on pleasing Him, not my own flesh.

I have a long way to go, but at least I’m on my way.

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