I’m reading a book this week by a very inspired author. This book is teaching me something that my heart already knew, but I didn’t recognize it consciously. It’s teaching me that because I am a devoted child of God, I have grace. Yea, yea. This is what we are taught from the moment we submit to Jesus as Almighty son of God and accept His gift of salvation. It’s more than that and this book is teaching it to me. Grace is God’s power. Jesus walked in grace every moment of His life and He has told us that we can too.
Once I started reading this book, I began to look back at circumstances in my life and really recognize how God cared for me through it all. He guided me and enabled me to keep going. I am amazed when I look back now at my life and see how God’s grace has never left me alone.
When I was 11-12 years old, I discovered something about myself that I have never been comfortable with. I’m not the prettiest girl in my neighborhood but apparently there is something about me that screams sex to all types of men. Now, I’ve wondered if the problem lay with the men but considering it happened with boys my age too, I figured it must be me. When I was 11, my stepfather wanted to teach me how to kiss. Of course, I didn’t want to; he was gross after all (that’t my 11 year old mind speaking). But I couldn’t resist him because then I knew it would cause a lot of turmoil in the house and after living for years in a house where screaming could just erupt, I decided to take one for the team. Thankfully, it only happened one time because I made sure to never be alone with him again. When I was 12, after my stepfather left, a boy about 2 years older than me decided my body was for his expedition pleasure. I was supposed to be asleep, but you can’t sleep through that. It scared me so badly that I did make a big deal out of it and it ended up ruining a friendship between my mother and his mother. Sorry.
I could go on and on with scenarios like this that continued until I met my husband. I was not always innocent, by the way. By the time I hit 18 years old, I realized that I could use my body to get attention. Back then the most risque item of clothing I would wear was a miniskirt, so it wasn’t like I was showing a lot of skin, but I found ways to intrigue the guys I was interested in. Like I said, I’m not the best looking thing around so I had to be creative. The point to all of this is that I was going down a path that would eventually ruin my life because I was looking for something that was not going to be found in any of those guys.
God’s grace was with me when He showed me this pale, short fellow and somehow helped me fall in love with him. This man was the total opposite of what I thought I wanted, but he is the only one who loved me completely. This was truly a gift from God. Anyway, because of this gift, I have been able to grow my faith in God. You see, before, I thought I was “saved” but I did not devote any time or love to God. God obviously had a plan including me so He gave me this man to love so I could turn my attention to Him. That’s what I did and after 21 years I’m seeing how many times God has allowed me access to His power through His grace simply because I have grown in faith. I don’t even have any issues when it comes to men or sex.
I know there is much more work to be done to fulfill the plan God has in my life. I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to inspire my family do the same. It’s not easy and I cannot control their hearts but God can show them how to tap into His grace as He is showing me. I believe that once they recognize what is available to them, they will run full force toward the goal God has for them too.